11.30.2010

Strange Things + Asian Male Perspective/Programming

As most of you know, I live in Korea and I teach here. Here are a couple of strange things that have happened to me in this past month.

  1. I got mistaken for Korean, by another foreigner. Anyone who has seen my pic, knows I don’t look Korean. In that person’s defense, she said it was where I was standing the light made my skin light enough to be Korean at first glance. She didn’t see the coils I had in my hair because of my wrap around ear warmer.

  2. My little ones, 1st – 3rd after school class, called me S-line teacher. When they see me with my 2nd jacket off and only see me with my hoodie, in which they can see my shape, this is what they say to me. S-Line is the Korean name for the figure 8 body shape. Apparently my students noticed my drop in weight here and so have the teachers.

  3. This wasn’t in South Korea, well sorta but on Facebook. I apparently have been getting Facebook stalked by some random guys. One freaked me out so bad, the feeling I get just by seeing his picture or message, I defriended him immediately. The other guy, I get no feeling, just annoyance, he is about to be defriended too. He keeps requesting my phone number, even though I have showed no interest. I am blunt; I am not the type to string someone along. How they heck do people find me anyway?! Has this happened to anyone else.

Now on to the Asian Male perspective and the Programming that was mentioned in the last blog post I wrote.

Those who remember, my friend is a Japanese guy (hottie) and we talk a bit on Facebook.

I asked him when the programming starts and why.

His Answer:

It's pretty much common knowledge. Most men in Japan do not believe that foreign women like us. First time I heard it mentioned was when I was in high school.

I asked him what he thought of BW/AM relationships.

His Answer:

Personally, I do not care about race or ethnicity if the people involved in the relationships are happy and enjoy each other's company.

He has some questions for us too.

His Question:

You told me that there is a similar programming where black women in the US are told that men (including black men) do not want them. When and why does that start? It's certainly not true. For example, when I was in California, I saw so many black girls with white guys and Mexican guys, almost as many of those couples as there were black girls with black guys.

By the way, on his recent FB post he quoted Antoine Dawson and upped his awesomeness in my book and made my day.

If you give him answers, I will message them to him as we go.

11 comments:

  1. Well,

    I believe the programming starts young but doesnt become noticable until we reach the age where we start to find ppl attractive enough to date.

    It isn't so much that men DONT want BW, its more like non-blacks prefer other people thier own race. When another person outside your race does find you attractive, its treated as "exotic", "different" or "rare".

    EX: jungle fever, Yellow fever, latin craze, etc.

    Forgive me , but who is Antoine Dawson? You dont mean Antoine "Hide yo' kids, hide yo' wife" Dobson do you?

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  2. I think I agree with you "thoughts..." the programing starts young and sometimes in the home the first point of the socialization process. Negative intentions we let plague us like the Willie Lynch "curse" fuel the programing. BW coming from broken homes where there is no father figure or positive male role model to tell them how beautiful and special they really are, the break down of self worth and finally hating each other men and women of color suggesting we are not beautiful to each other let alone anyone else. This mentality is drilled through lack of education, negative images in the media, stereotypes, and self fulfilling prophecies and just plain ignorance.

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  3. Under the age of 20 the main message to me as a black women was that only the very light, long haired/curly textured girls with ass were beautiful. College and post college is when the no one wants to be in a relationship/marry a black woman message kicked into over drive. Some of it is the media and some of it just social interactions.

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  4. @ DN

    Your friend should probably know that cities within states like California, Illinois, Texas, Florida, and New York are not the norm for America. In bigger cities, where POC dominate and the overall populations are more worldly and sophisticated, a black woman on any man's arm really isn't that big a deal, even if the guy is white. Peter Norton, Robert Ebert, Robert DeNiro, George Lucas, Chris Noth, Justin Chambers, and yes, the infamous Robin Thicke - all of them go home to black women, and no one bats an eyelash.

    But alas... the majority of Americans don't live in those areas or travel in "worldly" circles.

    What we need now are more Pepa & Tom Lo types. That gets tongues wagging every time.

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  5. @ Ankh - You make a good point about the larger cities not being the norm. I grew up in NYC, so much of what we discuss here on a personal level, is not a big deal to me.

    The surprise for me is the rise of these relationships (whether professional ala collabs or intimate relations) in more visible realms, like TV/Film as well as the musical collabs.

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  6. The surprise for me is the rise of these relationships (whether professional ala collabs or intimate relations) in more visible realms, like TV/Film as well as the musical collabs.

    This is surprises me as well.

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  7. What we need now are more Pepa & Tom Lo types. That gets tongues wagging every time.

    I love those types of couples, because every time people make a fuss over them, more people have their eyes opened to Blasian relationships. People who would have never seen such a match up otherwise ;)

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  8. I actually read this a little bit back, but didn't get a chance to post, but I did want to answer and say that I agree with Thoughts and Ankh on this: the programming starts at a young age in a number of different ways. One of my oldest memories that I have is when one of my mother's ex-boyfriends asked me if I would ever date outside of my race and before I even got the chance to answer, my mother blurted out, "NO!" (Her opinion has since changed as, in the dating realm, I never gave two cents about my mother's opinion and dated ALL types of guys - some good, some bad and some REALLY bad, but I wouldn't take back ANY of those experiences)

    There are other things. Like, when I first started dating my fiance, my boss asked me, "Does your Dad approve of him?" And, my father already knew I was the quirky type (<--his words, not mine), so he knew I didn't give two cents about his opinion either, but he likes my fiance (which is weird because my Dad doesn't like anybody), but even he told me (when I told him what race my fiance-then-boyfriend was), "I wish you would've dated a Black man, but you're too much like me, and you wouldn't have listened or cared what I had to say anyway."

    So, it begins really young. Because first you're told about Black Love, but then as you get older the message changes to something sinister - such as a Black woman being told to settle and that if you don't settle, you'll be alone because ONLY a black man can satisfy you, but then the way they approach you on the street and in certain instances, is just down right doggish, like you're not even a person but a piece of meat (trust me, had that happen to me - ick ick ickitty ick!!!) Even with your peer groups, when your classmates like a certain R&B singer, but you tell them that the guy looks butt-fugly in your humble opinion and they look at you like you have a second head, but then you tell them about another singer that you like, and that singer is a different race and you get teased relentlessly for it - kind of makes you want to keep your mouth shut and go with the status quo even if you feel differently on the inside. You're told to "Stop being so uppity and acting white, he's not going to want you if you act that way" or "Why do you want to date him for?"

    I remember once this a-hole coming to my birthday party and asking me, "So, what's it like dating white guys?" Because I dress quirky and therefore assumed that that's who I dated (I guess it's becuase I paid him no mind). So, I responded back, "I wouldn't know. My boyfriend's Asian."

    I mean, the conditioning exists everywhere, even from the way men approach you in the street to the way people discribe the love you may have for another person of a different race, words that make it exotic instead of just love, plain and simple.

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  9. @ EDGray

    Co-sign all the way.

    So, I responded back, "I wouldn't know. My boyfriend's Asian."

    And what did the a-hole say to that?

    I wish you would've dated a Black man

    Here's the problem. While black fathers are saying this to their black daughters, what are they saying to their sons?

    because ONLY a black man can satisfy you, but then the way they approach you on the street and in certain instances, is just down right doggish, like you're not even a person but a piece of meat (trust me, had that happen to me...)

    Unfortunately, it happens to us all. It's despicable. I don't understand why men still do that it. It doesn't work. At least not one women who aren't trash.

    but then you tell them about another singer that you like, and that singer is a different race and you get teased relentlessly for it - kind of makes you want to keep your mouth shut and go with the status quo even if you feel differently on the inside. You're told to "Stop being so uppity and acting white, he's not going to want you if you act that way" or "Why do you want to date him for?"

    And they wonder why we've stop listening, or find ourselves some new friends.

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  10. @Ankh

    And what did the a-hole say to that?

    Lol, see, one of my really good friends pulled me away before the guy could come back because she knows I have a temper and saw my eyebrow twitch (no seriously, she spotted that from across the room) and knew I would've hauled off and punched the guy if he'd come back with something stupid.

    Here's the problem. While black fathers are saying this to their black daughters, what are they saying to their sons?

    Oh, don't get me STARTED on the conversation that my father gave my brothers in regards to sex, love and relationships. It was a COMPLETELY different conversation *I* got: one of my brothers came and told me how the whole convo went down and needless to say, even at the young age that I got the birds-and-the-bees convo, I was smelling the intense, strong, distinct smell of bullshit. I know you know, but there's always that double standard. I love my Dad, but he's 61 years old, I take a lot of his conversations with a grain of salt when I start smelling that distinct smell.

    Unfortunately, it happens to us all. It's despicable. I don't understand why men still do that it. It doesn't work. At least not one women who aren't trash.

    I will give my Dad this though. He gave me permission back in high school to give any many that cat called, whistled at me like a dog or gave me the dreaded "Aye, gurl, what yo name is?", the finger (not that I needed his permission as I was doing that anyway, but eh...thanks for the thought, Pop).

    And they wonder why we've stop listening, or find ourselves some new friends.

    Oh, that happened when I was really, really, really young, and I'll admit for a time, I seriously kept my mouth shut on certain issues. I told a "close" friend about a silly, girlish crush I had at that age (my old, old martial arts instructor, this really nice Korean guy, who STILL looks gorgeous to this day!) and she told EVERYbody in my class ( I didn't live that down for a while). So, I kept my head down and then my mom moved us away and I got WAY better friends after that! LOL!

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  11. Oh, don't get me STARTED on the conversation that my father gave my brothers in regards to sex, love and relationships. It was a COMPLETELY different conversation *I* got: one of my brothers came and told me how the whole convo went down and needless to say, even at the young age that I got the birds-and-the-bees convo, I was smelling the intense, strong, distinct smell of bullshit.

    I knew it!!!!!

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