10.27.2011

What does it really mean to date/marry a Japanese man?

What does it really mean to date/marry a Japanese man? In truth, I don't know. From my perspective, being with a Japanese man in terms of dating is just like being with any other kind of man. Men are men. Boys are boys and I don't do boys. A man-child hardly qualifies as a man and I feel sorry for those of you who have had run-ins with these creeps, regardless of their ethnicity.

Dating is one thing. Marriage is another.

Since Japanese people are currently the targets in another post, let's focus on them. I dated three Japanese men before I married a fourth (one I didn't date). Thank goodness all three of the boyfriends were adults. They decided for themselves that they wanted to be with me and they pursued me in the normal the way men do. This means, they asked for dates. We went out. We hung out in public. I met their friends and they met mine. Nobody was hiding anybody.

For various reasons, the earlier relationships didn't work and we all moved on. At no point did I harbor any resentment towards Japanese people as a whole. In fact, I'm fairly certain I didn't give a single thought to Japan while I was getting my groove on. In hindsight, this is probably WHY the those relationships didn't work and this made me a pathetic candidate for a wife.

Thankfully, I did manage to snag myself yet another grown MAN and he's helped me navigate what would have been very difficult waters. Among the first lessons that I learned is that the Japanese are indeed people. They are not the BORG and they do not have a hive mind. This nation of 127 million and plunging is comprised of individual people who are all capable of thinking, learning and growing. Some are significantly braver than others and will take many risks in this rigid and ranked based society. Others are less so and will definitely run from danger, so the concept of group-think on a national level is bogus. We've already had extensive discussions about uchi and soto, which actually exists in all societies to some extent.

For this reason, if you're a Black woman contemplating dating a Japanese man, than I advise you to think of him as a MAN first. If he exhibits behavior you wouldn't accept from any other guy, then kick his ass to the curve. If he suddenly dumps you by using some lame ass excuse relating to culture or heritage, then it's clear that he's holding something back. It could be that he's just not that into you and he thinks using this bullshit is the easiest and most convenient way out. See, he's a man, not specifically a Japanese man.

It could be that he actually wants to avoid talking about the real reason he thinks the relationship isn't working. Again, this is male behavior, not Japanese male behavior. In either case, you are better off without him. If he makes disparaging remarks about you as BLACK women specifically in terms of race, then make him regret he ever laid eyes on you. When I was dating, I tried to steer clear of the kitchen because a butcher's knife is always my friend.

What you shouldn't do is allow this experience to cloud your judgment the next time you encounter a Japanese man. That's my opinion.

Objectively, there's a different side of this story. When you're in a mixed-race relationship, you need to be MORE mindful of each other's experiences. As nature would have it, this burden is usually, but not always, laid at the feet of the woman. It is she who'll be required to leave HER world to survive in HIS. Since most men really aren't paying attention to social obligations beyond those specifically designed for men, he will probably be clueless about the life of women in his society and when they start whispering (they always do) about how you aren't measuring up; some do run scared.

When people first date, hormones and chemicals control everything. At that stage, love does make you blind and deaf to your partner's flaws. Then you wake up one day and things suddenly look and feel different. This is the scariest part of any relationship and it's more threatening when the two of you come from two different backgrounds. Eventually, YOUR ethnicity and HIS will come into play. There's no way around it. We are the sum of our experiences, our lives. These things, language included, affect our thought patterns. In many instances, our way of thinking will NOT be compatible with the man's society and when he starts thinking seriously about you, it would be logical if he started contemplating about how well you'll fit.

I'm Black. I'm Native American. I'm Southern. My personality is completely unsuitable for Japanese society and my man knew this BEFORE he proposed. He knew it would be hard because I'm a STRONG BLACK WOMAN. If I feel I'm right, I will fight your ass to the death. In real life, I won't take shit from anyone. I think you can see where this could cause problems for him. BTW, I'm fairly sure the people at Chicago O'Hare have placed me on a terrorist watch list.

The Japanese, on other hand, depending upon their rank /class are forced to take shit on a regular basis. They eat it, they sleep it, they breathe it. It suffocates them and in some cases, they literally die. The sheer stress on the average Japanese is incomprehensible. This is why more and more are dropping out of society and becoming anti-social. They might not have a hive mind, but the rules must be followed or there will be consequences.

Knowing this relationship could cause him heartache and pain, why did this man decide to marry me? The answer is simple. He's a man and any man who LOVES a woman will do anything to keep that woman in his life. He'll weather any storm. He'll risk losing everything for HER. When a man is willing to go through these lengths, other people can't help but respect him and his decision.

For this reason, I've made strides in controlling aspects of my personality because I LOVE HIM. Even after 16 years, I'd say I've had more failures than successes, but he knows I'm trying. Furthermore, he knows I won't allow myself to be assimilated or overwritten by anyone. He knows my identify and self-esteem are closed tied to my ability to be free in my mind and in my spirit.

Moving along...

In Japanese society, is it more acceptable for Japanese men to marry white women than Black women? It isn't this society's decision, it's the man's. Most Japanese men will always choose a Japanese woman first. It's NATURAL. Some guys go for white women. That's their choice. Other guys marry the Blackest women they can find.

Those JICA men are probably setting a record for not only marrying Black women from southern African countries, but also for breeding an extraordinary number of children. Recently, I watched one of those shows about Japanese men marrying Black African women. It was a recording, so I don't know how old it was. Anyway, from what I understand, the neighbors weren't pissed that the man had married Black African woman, they were pissed because the couple didn't practice birth control. For the longest time, Japanese women were forbidden to take the Pill; thus, the use of condoms is ALSO a man's choice.

The neighbors saw the parents as irresponsible because their breeding practices had a negative affect on their eldest daughter. How can an extremely intelligent Blasian young woman possibly go to college and have a chance at a good life when she is duty-bound to stay home and help her mother raise eight (not ten as I previously wrote) other children? Naturally, there's no money to send her to college either.

The neighbors, village people in some part of Japan I'd never heard of, were raising money in hopes of convincing the mother to allow the girl to leave home and attend a local university. Given that the mother is deeply rooted in HER beliefs about her daughter's duty, I don't think this is going to happen. In addition, went along with everything the mother said. Basically, this makes for an interesting culture lesson.

The mother regards the daughter as Zambian and that culture dominates. The neighbors, who have known all the children since birth, regard them as Japanese and in that village, the locals clearly believe in the concept, it takes a village. It was surprising to see them fight over that young woman in such a passionate way. Everyone genuinely wanted what was best for her. In a way, it was heartwarming to see. I know that many people think outsiders have no say in a child's life and that's a matter of perspective. In this village, clearly that isn't the case. Sorry. This story isn't anywhere on the internet. I searched but couldn't find anything.

In the end, I don't see any evidence that Japanese men are shoving their Black wives and girlfriends in the closet. Perhaps the men who travel abroad or those who were raised elsewhere are far more conservative than the locals. If a Japanese man you're dating turns out to be like this, maybe the two of you need to part ways.

BTW, interesting enough, from what I can tell at a glance, a majority of Black women who have been in Japan long-term are actually MARRIED to someone.

23 comments:

  1. I didn't ignore the Native American man dynamic. Though the circumstances for a NA is different, I still believe that an adult man will decide for himself who he wants to spend the rest of his life with. A boy might make a different decision.

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  2. Hateya, can I just say how much I *heart* you?

    I am not a fan of generalizing (both the good and the bad) when it comes to cultures. I've met Japanese men who were crazy about white women, one of my friends from uni married an English girl last year, however I don't take that to mean that all Japanese men are not interested in Black women. Granted I have not had many 'relationships', due to personal choice but I've had enough experience with Asian men to know better.

    I've know a few Black women who are take strong reactions after bad experiences with Asian men and I believe this is due to them believing that all Asian men are perfect and are somehow different to other men. Like one of my friends who was actively chasing Korean men then became strongly anti-Korean men after a few bad experiences. The reason she started finding Asian men attractive in the first place was because she was introduced to K-pop. I guess what I'm trying to say is if the foundation is shaky, there is a strong possibility that anything built on it will also be shaky.

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  3. The thing with my past S.O, was not the fact that he was Native American, but it was the fact that he was only person who took notice of me and wanted to be with me. I was a College freshman, naive, and dumb. I thought we'd last forever. I looked over the fact he wanted to keep me a secret from his friends and family back home. He claimed he was protecting me.

    He pressured me into having sex with him, even after I told him I wanted to wait until marriage. But, the fact that he was Native American will not make me stereotype every Native American man as an 'ass'. He's not even a man, he's a boy. A child. It may have been a bad experience, but will that turn that into a hateful shrew towards every man of color? No. Never, I'm a college student, I'm too old and too busy to worry about middle school crap. I'll meet the, 'one', eventually.

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  4. Thanks for writing this, but how do you explain the FACT that Black women in Japan married to Japanese men are BY FAR OUTNUMBERED by white women married to Japanese men, or the observable FACT that out of the aggregate total of interracial relationships involving Japanese men, (excluding other Asians and all other races not white or black), the VAST MAJORITY are with white women and the clear MINORITY is with Black women?

    I'm sorry but there IS an issue here. And it is clearly observable that after controlling for other Japanese women and women of other races, Japanese men choose white women way much more than they choose black women and they choose black women far much less than they choose white women or even anybody else.

    This isn't stuff I'm pulling out of the air, it's fact and it's true.

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  5. I mostly dated Japanese men the three years I was there (LOL I still get hit on by men using MIXI even though I'm not there anymore). Because I had no interest in staying in Japan too long and dating was more of a "when in Rome" case. I didn't take things as seriously as I probably could have. If anything this did open me up to meeting all kinds of men and as silly as it sounds, is what made me challenge my own stereotypes about Japan and men in general as well as gave me some self-reflection. I don't think people need to do this, but this is just what worked for me.

    I can't say culture didn't get in the way at times, but I can't say it was the sole reason for why things never went as plan. I met some crazy as dudes while I was there. Hell one guy actually snuck out on me at a club! And man was I pissed. But I was pissed off at him and not Japan or other guys (and I actually met some cool people who that night so there was a bright side). But for every loser there was a good guy, yet things just didn't click enough for whatever reason. I'm still friends with some of those guys today. And that's really just a part of life.

    On a random note, I vaguely remember the TV show Okusama wa Gaikokujin (I think that's the name of it), and it was about foreign women who had married Japanese men. There were black women on that show.

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  6. Hateya, great post. In form, as usual. So good to have you back.

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  7. For this reason, if you're a Black woman contemplating dating a Japanese man, than I advise you to think of him as a MAN first. If he exhibits behavior you wouldn't accept from any other guy, then kick his ass to the curve. If he suddenly dumps you by using some lame ass excuse relating to culture or heritage, then it's clear that he's holding something back. It could be that he's just not that into you and he thinks using this bullshit is the easiest and most convenient way out. See, he's a man, not specifically a Japanese man.

    This needs to be on a shirt or something. Boss post, H! Love it. Good to see you on the Narrative.

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  8. @EccentricYoruba

    I am not a fan of generalizing (both the good and the bad) when it comes to cultures.

    Generalizing is usually a very bad idea, isn't it? No good can ever come of it. When I lapse into this immature level of thinking, a relative or friend usually smacks me back to reality.

    I know your time here in Asia was short, but something tells me that some super smart guy with a wonderful personality would have snapped you right up if he'd had a chance to meet you.

    I believe this is due to them believing that all Asian men are perfect and are somehow different to other men.

    This is something I've failed repeatedly to comprehend. What is the origin of this misguided belief? K-Pop stars are not only singers, but also actors selling a product, selling a fantasy.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is if the foundation is shaky, there is a strong possibility that anything built on it will also be shaky.

    Amen. You're extremely wise for someone so young.

    @Spaceinvadah

    I looked over the fact he wanted to keep me a secret from his friends and family back home. He claimed he was protecting me.

    Did he ever specify why he thought he needed to protect you? I'm not looking to excuse him. Instead, I want other young women to know which signs to look for when another guy, regardless of ethnicity, tries this shit.

    I'm sorry he pressured you into doing something against your deep-seeded beliefs. I dream about the day when every single WOC will be able to dictate the time and the circumstances of her initiation into womanhood.

    I'm too old and too busy to worry about middle school crap. I'll meet the, 'one', eventually.

    Bless your heart, sweetness. I have no doubt you'll meet the one because you still have the capacity to love in your heart. A real man will recognize this very special quality in you and he'll desperately want to be the recipient of that love.

    Does your university have connections with a university in Asia?

    @everyone

    I'll need to take up a few posts that day.

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  9. @Sugabelly

    but how do you explain the FACT that Black women in Japan married to Japanese men are BY FAR OUTNUMBERED by white women married to Japanese men,...

    A majority of Japanese men who marry non-Japanese, non-Asian women PREFER white women. Why? Truthfully, my first reaction was that I didn't know and I didn't care.

    In the spirit of progress and good relations, I decided to take a look at the big picture and I arrived at one possible reason. Japanese men within the borders of Japan aren't giving us the time of day because WE ARE NOT HERE!

    Most Japanese have little or no exposure to us. When time permits, you may want to browse our Blasian studies posts. This means that many people have never ever laid eyes on a single living breathing person of Black African descent and it's unlikely they ever will.

    What little the Japanese people do know about us stems from the movies and the news. Since Hollywhite is the principle distributor of this information, it does not bode well for us. I can only pray that the people won't flock to the theaters next March to see The Help. *cringes at the thought*

    If you'd like an idea about how detrimental our absence is, think of it this way. "White" women may very well outnumber Black women 1000 to one. Imagine a scenario where "white" people make up 99.9999% of the non-Japanese, non-Asian people in a crowd on any given day. JICA guys end up with wives from various African countries because they spend significant time on the mother continent.

    Athletes and singers don't count because they blow in and they blow out.

    What about those of us who are actually here? From what I understand and see around me, a majority of Black women without any affiliation with the US military, are already married. A majority of these women are either the wives of students or married post-doctoral students themselves.

    Among the remaining Black women are regular long-term or short-term students (who have the best chance of getting a Japanese guy), tourists (who aren't here long enough for a hook-up) or business women who tend to marry "white" men. There are other people, but I can't even venture a guess about their lives.

    This begs the question -- WHY AREN'T MORE BLACK WOMEN IN JAPAN?

    Oh, I'm sure a fair number of Black women don't want an Asian man and aren't in the least bit interested in coming to this country. Others might want to come, but don't have the finances to get here. If she isn't enrolled in a university with connections with a Japanese university, it'll be tough.

    "White" women tend to enter Japan either as whores or English teachers/assistants. JETS and ALTs are everywhere. They're not only in the big cities, they're also in the countryside. They will go wherever they're assigned and they usually get dibs on the available goodies because connections mean EVERYTHING. A connection to a school is priceless.

    Furthermore, since they come through the university system, they're unlikely to be whores and the general population appreciate this. In addition, since universities try to establish relationships with GOOD foreign universities, a woman stemming from one of these places would be desirable as a future mother of a child.

    My husband told me that an article in our local newspaper was spotlighting a surge in marriages between Japanese men and other Asian women, specifically Chinese, Korean and Filipino women. This is happening because they're here in greater numbers than ever before.

    I know this answer isn't satisfactory but there won't be an increase until we start MOVING. Mobility is a weapon Black women need to utilize more. We can't afford to pay the price of stagnation and fossilization.

    And when a woman gets to where she's going, I hope that an established Black woman will lend her a helping hand.

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  10. @ShaSha

    Because I had no interest in staying in Japan too long and dating was more of a "when in Rome" case. I didn't take things as seriously as I probably could have.

    This was my attitude when I lived in Taiwan. Youth is the time for experimentation, isn't it?

    If anything this did open me up to meeting all kinds of men and as silly as it sounds, is what made me challenge my own stereotypes about Japan and men in general as well as gave me some self-reflection.

    This isn't silly at all. We all go out into the world with preconceived notions and at some point during our experiences we learn that people are more similar than they are different.

    I can't say culture didn't get in the way at times, but I can't say it was the sole reason for why things never went as plan.

    I'd challenge anyone who says it never does and you're right. Culture might play a role in a disaster, but miscommunication, misunderstanding and an unwillingness to listen to a partner probably has more of an impact.
    And that's really just a part of life.

    Here. Here. Please forgive me for not reading the kinship blogs as I should, but could you tell us how you ended up in Japan. I'm recommending the educational route because I think it's the safest, but if there are other good ways, please let us know.

    On a random note, I vaguely remember the TV show Okusama wa Gaikokujin (I think that's the name of it), and it was about foreign women who had married Japanese men. There were black women on that show.

    I've seen that show a few times. The one I mentioned earlier seemed to have been produced by different people though. I didn't get the feeling it was part of a series.

    Honestly though, I don't know. Due to the ridiculous level of sexism, I try not to watch much Japanese television either. My viewing is usually limited to sports and documentaries about the universe. At best, I usually choose a drama that features my favorite Japanese actors and go from there.

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  11. @Ankhesen

    I'm trying, I really am. This year just got away from me.

    @Amaya

    This needs to be on a shirt or something.

    We'd have to correct my spelling first. hahahahaha!

    Seriously, I'm glad I could stop by this weekend. Next Tuesday, I'll be drowning in NaNoWriMo. My stuff won't be able to compete with Corruption, but I'll give it a try anyway!

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  12. This was a good read and I agree completely! In fact, I think this can be a cross-cultural article on dating/marriage in Japan in general. I can't tell you how many times I face palmed when I read foreign women account on their experience dating in Japan trying to make Japanese men like some kind of alien species(that article written by this girl on dating japanese men and how they have sex comes to mind...)
    As a black woman currently living in Japan(but already in a relationship, so can't give any input on pick ups or dating..I seem to attract old men...thats a shame). But to touch on Hateya's comment in regards to whether Japanese society deems its more acceptable to date white women instead of other women of color, I would say it depends on the individual but don't be alarmed if one does experience that with the older generation. Sadly this summer on a pre-japan trip, I had a lady praise my boyfriend friend's girlfriend(who was white) saying she looked like a barbie doll,she so cute, her japanese is so good(she could only say 3 words where as I didn't require a translator 24/7) and all she said about me when I was introduced was that my feet was huge. Of course I was pretty pissed after that, but that old lady's friend who she brought over to praise the white girl some more did acknowledge me and said I was pretty.( And I know im hot stuff, hell I see the guys checking me out, shoot! Almost made this dude on his scooter hit a car lol )sooo...yeah all I'am trying to say is:
    There's exceptions to the rules...and like Hateya said...there are WAAY more white women here then Black women in Japan. I only seen like..4 black women while I visited Japan(2 of them were also dating Japanese guys the other 2 were I have no idea but I saw no bf so Im assuming they were single) and 1 black woman since I've been living here. But I yet to freak kids out, I think Japan is becoming immune to foreigners now

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  13. This was such a great post! Always love your articles! Welcome back!

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  14. @Hateya:
    I went the "McEnglish" route an taught at a eikaiwa in the Saitama/Tokyo area. I was an alternate for JET, but choose AEON because I wanted to be close to Tokyo. I usualy reccommend study abroad or doing JET before working at an eikaiwa. I was there when NOVA had the fallout and left a lot of teachers without jobs, so I think eikaiwa life is probably more unstable now compared to the other two avenues.

    Like you and MoonB said there's simply more white women in Japan then black women. I did meet a few in my time there. I was the only black woman in my training group when I first got to Japan (it was maybe 15 people), and I think I met maybe 5 women total while I was there (LOL and one of them was actually a friend of mine from college who came a year after I did). And of those women, one was dating and the two others were stuck in the "foreign bubble"--they didn't want to take advantage of anything relating to Japan like dating or learning about the culture, etc. If it wasn't American/English they didn't want to do it.

    You're right there is a severe lack of exposure of black women there in the media. Outside of hip-hop media, I saw more "postive" images of black men (Jero, Dante Carver) and "negative" (Bobby Ologun), but I barely saw anything related to black women, be it positive or negative. So I think most of the time Japanese guys didn't even know how to react to me and often just associated me with being American and an English teacher before associating me with being black.

    I also encourage black women to get out there duffs and get to Japan, but shouldn't go in with expectations. Don't assume that you'll meet your own hot sexy Gackt but also don't assume that you get any play because you're black. Just the experience of going to Japan should be your main focus, then see what happens as things go along.

    Ugh, don't get me started with the sexism on J-TV. That is the one thing that really bugged me was the way women were treated, especially in terms of marriage. I watched a lot of variety shows because it did help me with my Japanese since there was a large amount of kanji subtitles on the shows. And many of them were related to dating/marriage. Women got completely lambasted for being not married. Or there were the so-called female "tarento" who's sole purpose was to pout, use a high pitch speaking voice, and be cute. LOL that's when I needed to try to find shows like Sasuke/Ninja Warrior to watch, just to get away from that noise.

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  15. @Hateya

    Thanks for the kind words!

    Wrt there being more white women in Japan than black, I have heard that the Japanese are more used to white people as well so this is no surprise.

    @MoonB

    I have come across something written by a girl on dating Japanese men and how they have sex. I wondered if the lady had slept with majority of Japanese men or was basing her expertise on just one experience.

    Sometimes I think Black women tend to notice more when white women are showered with praises. I tend to only remember praise when it is directed towards me though :)

    @ShaSha

    I also encourage black women to get out there duffs and get to Japan, but shouldn't go in with expectations.

    You're right about not going in with expectations. A few women whose expectations are not met end up being hurt and bitter, this may lead to generalisations and such. I can't imagine travelling to a different country with such high expectations as meeting my own Gackt.

    And I love Ninja Warrior!

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  16. @Hateya

    My story is extremely long and kind of sad. I'm just going to answer your question for now and in the future, I may e-mail my story later on. I just don't want to bum anyone out. And yes, we have an extensive student exchange program with South Korea, India, China, and Japan.

    My ex would claim that his family was 'crazy'. His mother and father would argue a lot, and his brothers were jerks. He claimed to have friends that smoked weed and were idiots. But, I still tried to introduce him to my family. He refused every chance to meet them. Whenever I would 'get mad' at him for something, I'd usually get over it after a few minutes. Most of it, involved her getting in the way of our relationship and acting as if she were our referee. Not only that, he refused to get his own car and allowed her to take him to and from school. I shit you not. He'd also spend most of him free time with her and would reserve me for weekend sex binges. Ugh.

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  17. *her - as in the overweight white female friend who hated me.

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  18. Spaceinvadah,

    You described him best. He is a "boy". Anybody who likes bumming rides off people and refuse to get his own mode of transportation doesn't sound like a responsible individual. He seems like a person who is looking for women who are wiling to do/buy things for him and I have the strangest feeling that he was looking for the woman who would fit his criteria. Thank god you didn't let him dictate you life or the way you view Native Americans. Judging by how this guy is, you didn't miss out on anything

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  19. Hiya! Just wanted to say how truly happy I am to have found this site. It was hidden on the 5th page of google a place I don't normally venture to as was typing in weird variations such as black Japanese relations support groups lol.
    I am black British getting married to a Japanese guy but we met and live in Shanghai. Yes, little bit random. My mother has been amazing as she is jamaician and in Jamaica there are loads of Chinese residents, so for her a Japanese in-law was not a big stretch for the imagination. However, my father who is American Milatary was horrified but has done it very subtly by doing odd things to show he doesn't accept him rather than having the front to say it outright. What I wanted to ask from those in Asian relationships was what were the reactions from the people around you and how did you deal with that. The irony for me is that the Japanese like to 'save face' so I have not had anything to my face except from the girls with sly smiles or comments whereas non-Asian would be super outright in their racism! Has any one got any witty comebacks or things to say to such people as before when he was a boyfriend it was ok ...as people assumed it was a kinky fling lol but now we are getting married ..yeah everyone's true side is coming out. Thanks for reading this ...and keep up the good work x

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    Replies
    1. @Li,

      Congratulations on your upcoming marriage. I wish you and your future husband the best. When is the big day? Will you continue living and working in Shanghai or will you move to another county?

      Your father, who is in the American military, was horrified that you intend to marry a Japanese? Your father is upset that you're marrying a man from a country that's been American's most reliable ally for over 60 years? People are curious. I have framed my question this way because you specifically said your father was in the US military.

      I'm sorry but I can't advise you on how to handle your family because they're your family, not mine. You have to find a way to deal with this yourself. The only advice I can give you is to take care of this matter BEFORE you get married. Otherwise, something like this will come back and bite you on the ass. Remember, people can't serve two masters.

      Marriage is hard enough without this external angst. Even happy marriages require hard work, determination and diligence. To commit to spending the rest of your life with one person means you must extremely vigilant when it comes to the life you're creating together. As such, you won't have time to pay attention to other people and their shit.

      The irony for me is that the Japanese like to 'save face' so I have not had anything to my face except from the girls with sly smiles or comments whereas non-Asian would be super outright in their racism!

      I'm afraid you're misusing the term, "save face." What those girls do to you with their sly smiles or belittling comments are as bigoted, prejudiced and mean-spirited as what happens when you encounter non-Asians. In your situation, you can't afford to fall into the trap of accepting "lower degrees of racism."

      I wish you the best and I hope your wedding ceremony will be beautiful and you'll have a long and prosperous marriage.

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  20. I was lucky enough to meet the right man eventually on Globogirls.com, of ALL places. Bizarre. He doesn't even LIKE the internet very much. Anyway, it's not a never-ending cycle of no, sometimes you do get lucky. I've been with my man for two and a half years now and I've been very happy. You just got to keep trying and keep your dating pool fresh.

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  21. I'm so late in replying, but just found out about this blog. Excellent article, Hateya, and congratulations on the many years of marriage. I'm a Black American, from the South, also, who married a Japanese guy this past May. We met online in the US and, while we found each other attractive, admitted that getting a sense of each other's character was essential. His mother initially worried, because he had been married to a White American before, but the marriage ended in divorce. She was worried that he might be making a mistake. He respectfully told her it was his life and that he was happy. She's been on board every since and even sends me gifts from Japan and we Skype with her on occasion.

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