2.09.2014

“I Won’t Be A Single Woman In Asia…”

About a month ago, I walked into my boss’ office with a simple request: 

“Can you PLEASE hire some single hot men?  I need someone to flirt with in faculty meetings.”

He smiled at me (my boss is WAY cool) and said, “I get that request every single year.”

I said, “Well, don’t you think you need to do something about it?”

So he whips out a stack of vita of people he’s going to interview at the upcoming job fairs and we go through them (hilariously surreal, I know).  Most of them are married, but there was one singleton in the pile.  Pictures are normally included with the vita, and the singleton isn’t really someone I’d go for.

As usual, we get into a side conversation (he’s a real people person and LOVES to talk) and he explains that it’s very hard for single women to get boo’ed up in Asia.  In fact, several female candidates he interviewed in the past refused to take the job simply because it was in Asia.  One of the women said, “I won’t be a single woman in Asia again.”

I’m like, “What?”  (Wondering if this is something I should have asked during my interviews)

He explained that it’s hard for single women because single men who relocate to Asia typically want to marry Asian women, and it’s rare for them to deviate from that path.  He told me a story about one of his recruiting adventures where he was trying to woo a top-shelf female educator to come work at the institute when that question came up.  He then tried to convince her that it wasn’t the case until he remembered that his wife was Asian and promptly shut the hell up.

She didn’t take the job.

Apparently, it is hard for single Western women over on this side of the planet, at least for educators.  International schools prefer to hire couples because it saves them a ton of money, but they do hire singletons.  The funny thing about hiring couples is that most of them don’t have the same last name…and you don’t know if you’re flirting with someone who’s married until you learn otherwise.  I got a good thing over here and I don’t want no problems.

Hell, all I want is some eye candy.  I’m not looking for a boo thang.  But it is interesting to understand the situational dynamics when it comes to dating in a place like this.  As far as dating the locals, I need to learn how to speak the language first.  Priorities, yo.

I’ll keep y’all posted.

22 comments:

  1. Not just Asia....I am a single school psychologist in North Carolina and I wish we hired some single men...single attractive men.....single attractive men of color.....I better stop..lol...my list keeps growing....

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  2. "He explained that it’s hard for single women because single men who relocate to Asia typically want to marry Asian women.."

    If Creepy White Guys is any indication, then I believe him!

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    1. Yikes! a frightening thought.

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    2. Funny you say that, Leo Princess. He told me that a lot of Western (white) men who come here with that mindset get a RUDE awakening when they get here. That paycheck? It goes to HER; every dime, except what SHE allows HIM to have. Responsibility of the home and family falls almost strictly on the wife/mother, and they ain't here for husband/father bullshit.

      And that whole "docile" crap? Bullshit. Upon five minutes of meeting my boss' wife, it was EVIDENT who ran thangs in their humble abode. Those creepy white guys...I hope they meet women who are like her. That would be so awesome!

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  3. Wow that is eye opening. I'm not surprised at all though. I'm guessing that is what most American men are doing over there anyway. Western women need to learn the damn language and date the locals too! I'

    @Dulce-The difference with you is you can date outside your job without the language barrier! Unless you only want someone in the education field. Or unless you are someplace where there are only ten students in the whole school and less than fifty people in the town! If you are in the Triangle it should be a lot bigger selection.

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    1. Yes Lor, we can't just give up and say "well since I don't speak this that or the other, I'm undateable". But if that's the case. Learn the language. Blasian dating in Asia is totally possible. We just have to tweak our approach and our skills a bit.

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  4. You know, if a woman set up a network of ongoing schools/workshops strictly focused on learning Asian languages & dating in Asia, she'd make millions overnight.

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  5. There is something like that over here, but it's not as extensive as all that. Besides, my job consumes A LOT of my time. I'm hiring a private tutor soon. Like Lor said, unless I want an educator, I'm limited in my dating options.

    An educator would be the best choice for someone like me, tho. I'm intending to be here no more than five years, and then it's on to the next one.

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  6. Awesome. If they come here to find an Asian woman...it shows. They're usually overly excited about hanging out with Asian women and as my friends and I quickly realized these "Western" guys suck anyway...I find that I'm not limited in my dating options. Been on more dates here than I was back in the states. Now, I'm currently "chilling" with Mr. Right Now until Mr. Right After shows up before Mr. Right. I think a lot of times we limit ourselves. Learning the language can move mountains. Trust me, I know.

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  7. Don't want to start off like a Negative Nancy, but...

    I don't know anything about dating in China, Korea, Japan, ect., but I think the dating scene in Taiwan is pretty grim (http://www.forumosa.com/taiwan/viewtopic.php?f=92&t=85690&start=10). I'm not saying it can't happen, but I think, firstly, it depends on what you want. I think, language skills or no language skills, you can find a date anywhere in this world. Language skills do help with your life in general, making friends, ect. But, if you want something more serious (and I know not everyone does), there is a lot more that factors into the equation.

    From what I notice (at least in Taiwan) culture and how you appear to others is a big deal. Sure, you may like a guy, but is he just having fun? Will he introduce you to his parents? His friends? Does he have a more "acceptable" (Taiwanese or at least Asian) gf, and are you just occasional recreation? Are you his "trophy" (African queen, Beyonce fantasy, ect.)? Do you like having deep discussions (because a lot of people here are not interested in that sort of thing)? Do you want to be doted on constantly (a guy friend told me that he would insist on carrying a girl's things to show others that he is "gentle" and "caring")?

    Is Taiwan a dead zone? Nah, I don't think so. Most of the men that are comfortable being around me have had some experience or another going abroad somewhere. If they haven't, they tend to be outgoing and generally like talking to all kinds of people. And for some reason, most people tend to approach me when I'm working out (so I think it's funny that the girl on the thread I posted with the "success story" met her bf working out).

    I say learn the language (not just for dating purposes, but for your own good because I can't imaging living here without know what's going on, how to read things, ect.) and be yourself, that's always a good thing xD.

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    1. @Nicolette-A lot of what you said applies anywhere though. Regardless of location or race of the people involved. That is why you vet! vet! vet!

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    2. Some things can be applied anywhere, but I don't think the societal pressure in relation to who you date is nearly as strong in the States as it is here, especially for men. Taiwanese men have a lot of external pressure in regards to who they date whether it's casual or serious, which is why you see a lot more Taiwanese women dating foreigners.

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    3. Dating is just one big soap opera!

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    4. @Lor: Ain't that the truth?

      And I just ain't got time for that. I am going to learn the language because I need to in order to live a productive life. If a guy comes along, that's great...but I am not about to go clean out of my way. Like I said, I just want to bat my eyes at a hottie in the hallway and flirt in faculty.

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  8. Hello Ladies,

    I'm Shelly, long time lurker, first time commenter!
    This post really resonated with me because just like the women in the article, I'm having these same exact sentiments to the point where I'm going to pack it all up come the summer of next year. I've been living in Mainland China in a first tier big city for the past year and a half and I can echo everything that Nicolette said above regarding Taiwan.

    Unfortunately, dating really is not that easy here in the P.R.C. if you are a foreign woman The vast majority (I would gander 80% or higher) of foreign me want to be with local women (some of them don't even want to be with foreign born Asian women) so that leaves a small pool of men to date who are interested in foreign women and most of those men are not looking for anything serious (with so many options, why just settle for one is a meme I hear over and over again).

    Now, some of you may say why not go after the local men? Yes, that possible and yes, I would but once again, things don't really work like that. The majority of the local men want to be with a local women or another type of Asian women (as stated by Nicolette above in Taiwan). Men have a lot of pressure to bring home the right kind of women and for many families, they want a daughter in law who looks like them or similar to them (meaning another kind of Asian woman). Someone to pass along traditions and culture, not to mention someone to give them grandchildren who will blend into the family with no question; thus, foreign woman simply will not do (despite the fact that there is a growing demand and market for mixed race white and asian children for commercials, marketing, etc.)

    Furthermore, just as Nicolette stated above appearances, or "saving face" is very, very big here in the P.R.C. For a man to be serious about, or marry a foreign woman would bring a lot of stares, gossip and talk from his family, friends, coworkers, etc. For a foreign person who comes for an individualistic, fuck it-I'll a do me culture this is not a big deal. But for a Chinese person who comes from a tradition where family is everything and uniformity is the norm, it would be quite a lot of pressure and stress to have bring home a women who looks nothing like your family or friends circle. Now for the women, there is not so much stress or pressure to stick with the local men, and a foreign husband can increase a family's wealth and standing among others in the neighborhood or village (hence why there is not so much pressure for P.R.C women to stick with their own men).

    Lastly, ( I must warn you this is my own theory) many of the men want their own women because many of the men here tend to be on the smaller, shorter side and they want a woman who's smaller and slimmer than them (which I feel like is something you will find the world over). A short, slim women (and Chinese slim is a US size 4 or under) is seen as the epitome of femininity. Speaking from a woman who's 5'9" I'm way taller than your average Chinese woman and even man. I've even had one local man approach me (who was drunk by the way) and mention that my height was manly and unnatural. I told it was unnatural to continue shopping in the children's section at your age and kept it moving....

    Well that's all for now, I would love to hear from any other Black ladies in Asia about this!

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    1. You should try Jo Gan's site: http://lifebehindthewall.wordpress.com/

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    2. Hey Shelly! I'm a voluptuous babe and I get all kinds of looks; a lot of them smiles from the local men, but that adds up to dick amount of nothing. But one lady called me "Big Huge-y" and I didn't bat an eye when I told her that her man likes it. I know she didn't understand, but IDGAF.

      I ain't shit. I know this. Dating is a hassle anywhere in the world, and I've pretty much pushed it off my plate, because I'm not good at the game-playing or mandatory time-wasting. If it happens, won't nobody be more surprised than me.

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    3. Dating is a hassle anywhere in the world

      And I think people keep forgetting this.

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    4. "Dating is a hassle anywhere in the world, and I've pretty much pushed it off my plate, because I'm not good at the game-playing or mandatory time-wasting. If it happens, won't nobody be more surprised than me."

      Same. I'm exhausted just watching the f*ckery from the side. Getting through college alive was enough. Finding That Special Someone shouldn't be more Hunger Game than that.

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    5. Hey, I'm a Black English teacher in Korea and I've had no trouble finding "boo-thangs" in Korea. I even married one in December ^_^ I'm 5'11" by the way (size 6-8 normally, a size 10 in the winter when i hibernate..so i'm not the typical body type korean guys like)...My husband is 6'4" hahaha...but Korea does make 'em a lot taller than China...

      I can speak Korean, and I almost exclusively dated local guys cuz I'm sorry..but the foreign quality out here is lacking. However, I will say that although finding a guy that was hot that would date me wasn't particularly difficult...It was difficult finding a guy that thought of me as a legitimate girlfriend (even though they'd call me their gf) and not just an "experiment" in interracial dating. Black girls are pretty fetishized here in Korea, we can thank rap vids for that, so a lot of guys just wanted the experience of being with a black girl so they could tell their friends. The guys I dated all spoke English (except for my husband) and were generally more "westernized" Korean guys- and by that I mean guys who had lived/studied abroad for a period of time long enough to make them more open minded than the average local. However at some point, after we'd been together for like 4 months or so, they'd just disappear.... usually a breakup via text message. That's when I'd realize that they didn't even really like me, just the idea of being with someone like me for a while...and as soon as a cute Korean girl came along, it was done. I was never anything that was expected to be permanent, so it wasn't. I was seeing a future, but they already knew that we couldn't really have one.

      Anyway, long story short...I met my husband...and he was just...chill. He didn't make a big deal out of me being Black. He's SOOO Korean~ and doesn't try to pretend overly interested in Black culture (although he does have an interest...but that's only because he has an interest in me). I'm the first foreigner his mother has ever even had a conversation with, so he's not one of those westernized Korean guys (he'd never even been out of Korea really until I took him with me to America to meet my parents). We got eloped in Dec like I said, but his mom is giving us a tradition Korean wedding in May. She's invited all of her family and no one seems too outraged by it (which blows my mind). His dad passed away, but his uncle was just like "Good for you!" and seemed kind of excited about it. Sometimes even the most traditional people can surprise you.

      So what I wanna say is that it's possible to date local guys. But just like with anywhere, you've gotta go on lots of dates. Don't just assume they're only interested in local girls, cuz I haven't found that to be true at all. And although I dated a lot of jerks, some of that was probably my own doing. I like a cute bad boy..what can I say...haha...but I met quite a few really nice guys that I just wasn't interested in romantically. They seemed genuine with their interest and I'm sure there's more of them out there.

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    6. @Jennifer You-And although I dated a lot of jerks, some of that was probably my own doing.-A lot of women will NOT admit that!

      - Black girls are pretty fetishized here in Korea-A worldwide epidemic. Sadly when some Black women date outside their race they treat it as an experiment too.

      -and doesn't try to pretend overly interested in Black culture -I have never understood women who will date a guy from outside the race that try too hard to be down. Or vice versa. BE YOU!


      I'm glad it all worked out for you! He didn't see you as a stereotype nor his family. He showed his respect by meeting your parents and marrying you.

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  9. Amaya,

    Now that was just plain cold... lol! I can't blame you.Someone had to put her in her place.

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