12.29.2015

Guest Post: Attraction to Black Women - Are Asian Men Keeping a Secret?

Big Asian Package, a.k.a. BAP, is a sex and kink-positive blogger who writes to encourage Asian men to embrace and express their sexuality. I was recently intrigued by one of his non-sex posts in which he stated, "Asian men, bros, let me have your attention for a moment. I don’t need to tell you about the discrimination, you’re living in it. You have to act if you want change. It’s a hostile environment, but the ladies are leading the charge, kicking all kinds of ass, and you’re not helping enough. So don’t think of it in terms of modesty, privacy, or hassle; think of it in terms of picking up a fair share of the work that we all agree needs to be done. Write your experiences. They are worthwhile." To my surprise this was in reference to AMWW relationships in which white women were doing more writing than Asian men. To anyone who follows AMBW, the same could be said about our groups and forums. So I emailed BAP and he replied almost immediately with this post. As this one focuses mainly on sexual attraction, he will write an additional post on the relationship aspect.

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Are Asian men keeping sexual attraction to black women a secret? In a way, yes, I believe so.

The thing is, it is not really about black women in particular. It's less about the women themselves and who identifies as black vs. white vs. Latina vs. (insert ethnic group here), as much as it is about the tendency for many Asian men to keep their sex lives between them and their partners. While representing just my own experience, I don't think my point of view is unique - I have never felt compelled to contribute to casual workplace or schoolmate discussions about my sex life or desiring one kind of woman over another.

Lending more support to the idea that it's not about the women themselves and more about the tendency toward privacy are the contents of more private friend-to-friend discussions, between Asian bros. wherein my Asian guy friends have no difficulty talking about black women as sexually desirable. We talk about our black coworkers, classmates, celebrities, or everyday chance encounters. Like typical guys, we talk about traits we like that are seen as common in the black women we know - their sexy bodies, that they style their hair in cute ways, or their bold humor.

Socially speaking, Asian men need only take one look at the hostility against their sexual identities to be dissuaded from expressing ANY sexual thoughts or opinions. It's not reasonable to expect Asian men to participate in the arena which forces them to assume a bottom rung position. It's unfortunate that one of the consequences of this lack of participation is the assumption that Asian men are interested only in Asian women as partners.

The Internet forums and dating devoted sites are replete with questions like, "Do Asian men even find black women attractive?" That a woman needs to ask this is a bit sad to me because yes, so many Asian men I know ARE attracted to black women as well as women from across the ethnic and racial spectra. To Asian men, the personally pertinent question is more like, "Is there any public space where Asian men feel comfortable or relevant to express themselves in a sexual sense?"

Nonetheless, with respect to the men who do feel okay talking about their sexual identity and desires, there is a racial asymmetry. More men talk about pairing with white females. I speculate that this is for the same reason we see more Asian American women express a desire to pair with white males - that it may be a subconscious desire to feel accepted in American mainstream society, and the fact of the matter is that mainstream culture is white dominant and violent and dismissive of black female sexual identity.

When I was invited to write this guest post, I was given no editorial advice or restrictions. I jumped at the chance because frankly, the silence, secrecy, and shame surrounding the AMBW dynamic really bothers me. It actually contributes to the negative narrative about black women, one that needs to stop. It needs to stop because it's not true and it hurts people. It's not good enough to say "Black Lives Matter," because what is life if some of the most important parts of it are taken away from it?

So I am trying to do my part in publicly proclaiming my beliefs, the beliefs of an Asian American man, on the subject. In a sentence, I do away with any secrecy about them -

...Black women are sexually delicious creatures...

7 comments:

  1. "It's unfortunate of this lack of participation is the assumption that Asian men are only interested in Asian women."

    ^^^This..right here ..is what I would think about most Asian men and if they did approach a woman outside of their racial/cultural background, they would certainly have to be White because like BAP said, in most Asian and other world countries to date/marry White is more socially acceptable and they see it as
    " uping " themselves doing it. Even as a Black woman..with their exception of South Asian..or maybe a Japanese man..some of my friends, to say that you find Asian men being sexy is " weird " to them or they will try yo convince me that "Asian men don't go that way"( Marry/date out)which I no longer listen to them when they say it.I guess they forgot my my great grandpa being South Asian..lol!

    As I mentioned before, for each times that I work..and to some degree where I live..I'm surrounded by some of the hottest South Asian men/North African in the world( Get me a fan..lol!)Before I decided to hang up dating and go celibate, my Black female friends would go to lunch and talk about all of that sexiness on the job to the point where we can write romance novels about them..lol! Anyways..some of us wanted to date a South Asian man..not on my job..but just to date one,but all we could think about is the caste system,how they would never want to date/marry Black women like ourselves.

    On the South Asian.Indians, Pakastanis ,Moroccans or Iraqi's in this case..would be just as doubtful about women of any race dating them. One example came from a 17 year old boy of one of the workers there. First of all, he was shocked that his folks let him go to the prom. Secondly, he is mad at that man( forget his name) who plays Raj on The Big Bang and Kal Penn( I don't like him,but that's another story). He sees them as the " enemy" of Asian..especially South Asian manhood. For some straight reason, he faults them for him being seem as an undateable geek. There is a young lady at his high school and she's a Black girl from Antigua..He wants him because he has convinced himself that he's loser because of the stereotype...that for some reason..Raj " screwed him up".

    Is.this.young.man.kidding.me?(*mocking my youngest nephew whiny voice when he says it*)

    If you look at this kid, he could probably snap his fingers and girls will be ready to drop to say " yes" to him. That is how gorgeous this kid is. What 17 year old girl would turn him down if given a chance? I know if I was around his age, I certainly would be his date. Far as " Raj"..he's super cute and there is nothing wrong with being smart. I have often said that Asian men are " triple threats" in terms to getting women whether they know it or not.

    With some Asian men, I think one of their biggest problems..pretty much like BAP said, is that some of them are convincing themselves that they don't have enough swag to get the girl.This is not to say that Asian men aren't confident about themselves,but you will never know it because some of them can come off as modest( Which to me is a great feature in men regardless who they are) even though there may be so much more with them than meets the eye.

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    Replies
    1. I find myself agreeing with you, so pleas don't take this comment as opposition. But first, I do want to say to any Asian bros. reading this that marrying black IS marrying up. That is, if you have shed the family pressure to marry someone of your family's ethnicity, you should also shed any notions of racial hierarchy that came along with it. Seeking companionship with black women as freely as you do with any other means you have Elevated yourself beyond the patterns and thoughts pushed into you about race.

      So my experience
      corroborates what many of the men claim - that there is a lot of pressure to in-marry. But we are free me , with our own minds. So that is an explanation not an excuse as to why.

      Delete
    2. But first, I do want to say to any Asian bros. reading this that marrying black IS marrying up. That is, if you have shed the family pressure to marry someone of your family's ethnicity, you should also shed any notions of racial hierarchy that came along with it.

      That is a BOLD statement son. I always knew you had balls.

      Delete
  2. I'm sorry this wonderful and insightful site will be going away. It certainly served as a basis for my dissertation project. You will be sorely missed as a great source for information across disciplines: literary studies, history, sociology, and politics. Question: complete shutdown of your site means no access to any of the information? will the information be archived?

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  3. This blog post is amazing. This blog is amazing in general. I wish I learned about it, & I wish I could be surrounded by more people who think like you. Thank you for all the hard work you've put into this blog & for giving me hope :)

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  4. Just thank you for this blog. I will be following you on The Black girls Club and At The Bar.
    To me, your blogs are like oxygen. You just keep it real, and I like it.

    So, thank you again.

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